Thrive Marriage Conference 2016: Saturday Sessions

Thrive Marriage Conference
All Nations Church of God
Wytheville, Virginia
February 5-6, 2016
Pastor Darrell and Pauline Waller

Today: Understand there are differences between male and female.

Ephesians 5:33 “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”

Each gender has a primary drive:

Her primary drive is LOVE.

His primary drive is RESPECT.

(Much of the material for this session is taken from the following source. Eggerich, E. (2004). Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers.)

Acronym to help husbands understand six areas of key importance to meet a woman’s primary need for LOVE.

C – O – U – P – L – E – How to Spell Love to Your Wife

C = Closeness – She wants you to be close.

  • Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and the two shall be one flesh.”

* Set the “closeness” tone everyday.

  • Your Wife Feels Close to You When…

* You hold her hand

* You are affectionate without sexual intentions

* You seek time with her

* You are aware of her as a person with a mind and opinions

O = Openness – She wants you to open up to her.

* Women like to talk about “things”

* Women tend to connect each incident with all previous incidences

  • Your Wife Feels Close to You When…

* You share your feelings

* You pray with her

U=Understanding – Don’t try to fix her.

  • I Peter 3:7 “Live with your wives in an understanding way…”

* Your wife sees you as the burden bearer.

  • Your Wife Feels You’re Trying to Understand Her When…

* You listen

* You don’t try to fix her problem

P = Peacemaking – She wants you to say, "I’m sorry."

* Without peace in your relationship, your wife doesn’t feel close, she doesn’t feel you’re open, and she thinks you don’t understand.

  • Your Wife Will Feel at Peace with You When…

* You let her vent her frustrations and don’t get angry

* You admit you are wrong and apologize

L = Loyalty – She needs to know you’re committed.

* When your wife says, “Do you love me?”, she is asking for reassurance.

  • Your Wife is Assured of Your Loyalty When…

* You speak highly of her in front of others

* You don’t look lustfully at other women

E = Esteem – She wants you to honor and cherish her.

  • The best way to respect or honor your wife is through Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem
  • Your Wife Will Feel Esteemed When…

* You give her encouragement or praise

* You are physically affectionate with her in public

What every man needs.

  • Every boy needs to hear from dad – “You’ve got what it takes.”
  • Every man needs to know, “You have what it takes. You are capable. You are competent.”
  • What I do need, is to feel from my wife that she respects me as a person, as a Christ-follower, and as the leader of our family.

Dr. Eggerichs uses the acrostic CHAIRS for the respect every man desperately needs.

How do you spell “Respect” to your husband?

C = Conquest – Appreciate his desire to work and achieve.

H = Hierarchy – Appreciate his desire to protect and provide

  • Ephesians 5:22-24 (NLT) - For wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23 For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of his body, the church. 24 As the church submits to Christ, so you wives should submit to your husbands in everything.
  • Man’s primary responsibility to his family is to protect and provide.

A = Authority – appreciate his desire to serve and to lead.

  • One young lady said of her husband, “I want him to be the head; I want him to be the leader. I just want to make sure he makes decisions in keeping with what I want!”
  • Because God has made your husband responsible, he needs the authority to carry out that responsibility. And when he is affirmed and appreciated for carrying that responsibility, he is completed.
  • Eggerichs gives some “how to’s.” He will feel you appreciate his authority and leadership when…

* You tell him you are thankful for his strength and enjoy being able to lean on him at times.

* You support his self-image as a leader.

* You never say, “You’re responsible but we’re still equal, so don’t make a decision I don’t agree with.”

* You praise his good decisions.

* You are gracious if he makes a bad decision.

* You disagree with him only in private and honor his authority in front of the kids.

* You give your reasons for disagreeing quietly and reasonably, but you never attack his right to lead.

* You do not play “head games” with him to make him back down and be a “loving peacemaker.”

I = Insight – Appreciate his desire to analyze and counsel.

  • It is not uncommon for a man to be greatly respected and affirmed at work for his abilities and talents and knowledge, only to be criticized often at home.
  • This leads to frustration and withdrawal from the guy. Inwardly, he has the desire to help but when never or seldom respected for his input, he checks out.
  • Your wife’s feeling about the problem is the problem.

R = Relationship – Appreciate his desire for close friendship.

  • Genesis 2:18 NLT - Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.”
  • Matthew 19:5-6 NLT - And he said, “‘This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ 6 Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

S = Sexuality – Appreciate his desire for sexual intimacy.

(Session Break)


Tomorrow: Prepare for Change

“What about tomorrow? What are a couple of things I can really do that will help me tomorrow?”

A.  Become aware of our raw emotions.

  • Emotions below the surface.
  • They create distance.
  • Discover and discuss your raw emotions

B. Have more sex.

  • Compartmental vs Inclusive

Sexual responses between men and women are vastly different. Men are compartmental and immediate in their ability to respond sexually, while women are inclusive and slower to respond.

God made men compartmentalize for an important reason. In his pursuit of providing for and protecting his family, a man must go out into the world every day and face the pressures and demands of the workplace. Because he is compartmental, he is then able to come home, disassociate from the pressures he faced, and immediately connect to his wife and children.

Gary Smalley once said that in the world of sex, “Men are like microwave ovens and women are like crockpots.” Men can respond immediately, while women must gradually warm up to the idea of having sex.

1. Healthy couples make sex a priority, and making sex a priority contributes greatly to developing a healthy marriage.

2. You should only be having it with each other.

3. Better sex starts with getting better in other areas outside the bedroom.

  • When communication is better, your sex life will usually improve.
  • When thoughtfulness and sharing chores and duties throughout the day increases, the potential that the night will end well increases.

4. Sex is not a leverage.

  • In some marriages, sex (or denying sex) is used as a way to reward or punish the other spouse. Over time, this practice will cheapen the power of sex, cause resentment, and also erode the trust and intimacy in your marriage.

5. Have fun!

  • Sex is supposed to be fun, so enjoy it! As you do, you’ll find your stress levels decreasing, your laughter increasing, and a more positive outlook on life together.

6. Plan intimate times.

  • Like most things, if you don’t plan it, it generally doesn’t happen.

Laugh Together

Proverbs 17:22 “A cheerful heart is good medicine.”

* Laughter helps us cope

* QUOTE: “I don’t’ want a relationship that’s serious all the time. I want someone I can laugh and be silly with. Someone that not only gets my weird sense of humor, but thinks it’s hilarious too.”


Tips for managing conflict with humor in your relationship:

1. Make sure you’re both in on the joke

2. Don’t use humor to cover up other emotions

3. Develop a smarter sense of humor

4. Tap into your playful side


Eggerich, E. (2004). Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs. Brentwood, TN: Integrity Publishers.

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